Beware of the Giant Brain! Read online

  Remembering when I made up stories for you as kids

  and how you were my first audience.

  This is for you, Matt and Rennie. —M. Y.

  CHAPTER 1 A Shocking Morning

  “Students of Franken-Sci High! It has come to my attention that many of you are still asleep after last night’s cast party. Please report to the cafeteria right away. The school has an important announcement to make!”

  Newton Warp groaned as he woke up to the voice of Headmistress Mumtaz, which seemed to be shouting into his ear. Then he felt something tickle the inside of his ear. A tiny, mechanical, fly-like creature flew out of it and left the room through the crack on top of the door. It was quickly followed by another mechanical fly that came from the bottom bunk, where Newton’s roommate slept.

  Newton hung upside down from the top bunk and gazed at his roommate, Higgy, who was oozing out of bed. His gooey green body, made entirely out of protoplasm, was tucked inside a pair of flannel pajamas with rubber chicken drawings on them.

  “Why is she making us go to the cafeteria?” Newton moaned. “It’s the weekend!”

  “You know Mumtaz,” Higgy replied. “She loves an assembly.”

  Newton quickly hopped off the bed. “And why was that announcement so loud? It felt like it was right in my ear.”

  “Oh, those are her fly drones,” Higgy explained. “She has a whole horde of them that she can target to reach each student at the school. Each one has a powerful micro speaker inside. Pretty impressive, but usually they’re reserved for emergencies.”

  “Well, I need more sleep,” Newton said with a yawn. “I hope this announcement is worth it.”

  “We’d better get dressed before she sends her screaming cyborgs,” Higgy warned. “They’re a lot louder!”

  Newton knew that listening to Higgy was a good idea, and he slipped on jeans and a lime-green T-shirt with the school’s motto on it: “A Brain Is a Terrible Thing to Waste… Unless You Can Grow Another One.”

  He yawned again. It wasn’t just that he’d been up last night, celebrating with the rest of the cast of Frankenstein: The Musical. Even after he’d climbed into bed, well after midnight, he hadn’t been able to sleep. His mind had been racing with the news he’d heard earlier that night.

  Newton was a new student at Franken-Sci High. The school was filled with plenty of unusual students: robots, Higgy, and even a kid who was a brain in a jar, Odifin Pinkwad. Newton looked like an ordinary human, but he was probably the most unusual student of them all.

  His friends Shelly and Theremin had discovered him in the Brain Bank of the school library with no memory of who he was or where he’d come from, with a school ID with his name on it, and a bar code permanently imprinted on the sole of his left foot.

  In the last few weeks, Newton had learned some things. He had uncovered strange memories of being hatched from a giant egg. He had extra-human abilities: his fingertips and toes were sticky and helped him climb walls; he could camouflage himself when he was in danger; he could sprout gills and breathe underwater; and he could make himself look like other humans if he wanted to.

  He had also learned from Professor Hercule Flubitus that he and Shelly were very important to the future of the school, but Professor Flubitus hadn’t told them why. Even so, they were so important that Flubitus had traveled from the future to protect them.

  And last night Flubitus had told Newton the most amazing thing of all: Newton had a relative living at the school! When Newton had heard this, he’d been shocked and quiet. But the more he thought about it, the more he wanted to scream and jump and laugh and cry all at the same time. Shelly and Theremin and Higgy were awesome friends, but it still bothered Newton that he had no idea where he was from, or even if he had a family. Professor Flubitus’s news was the best news ever.

  But the flustered professor had refused to give up the identity of the relative to Newton. And Newton had gone to the cast party, where they’d eaten lots of pizza and freeze-dried potato chips, and had danced and sung songs from the school musical, and it just hadn’t been the place to talk about what Flubitus had said. So Newton had been up all night, wondering who this relative might be.

  Was it one of the students? Would it be somebody nice, like Tori Twitcher? Or somebody not so nice, like Mimi Crowninshield?

  Was it one of the professors? Maybe the loud-and-large monster maker, Professor Gertrude Leviathan? Or Professor Wells, who was stuck between two dimensions? Newton could imagine having some fun adventures with those two.

  Or maybe it was somebody on the staff? He hoped it wasn’t Stubbins Crouch, the school custodian. But there were some nice cooks in the cafeteria. If one of them was his mom, maybe she would make him cookies or something. Or mac-and-cheese sandwiches. That was one of his favorite foods.…

  “Better hurry up, Newton. We don’t want to miss anything,” Higgy said. He had changed into his usual outfit: a heavy coat, rubber boots and gloves, a wool cap, glasses, and bandages wrapping his face. Newton didn’t mind hanging around with a kid made of green goo, but Higgy’s outfit made it easier for other kids to accept him.

  “Right,” Newton answered. “I just need to use the bathroom.”

  “That’s one thing I don’t mind about not being human,” Higgy said. “Your waste excretion functions are so inefficient.”

  “Well, I’m not exactly human either,” Newton reminded him.

  A few minutes later the roommates were walking from their dorm room to the school’s main building. Because the school was located somewhere in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle, the air was hot and moist. Palm trees and brightly colored flowers grew along the path, and birds chattered and swooped among the vegetation, along with the security and weather drones.

  Once Newton and Higgy were inside the building, the transport tube sucked them up to the fourth floor. It was crowded with sleepy-looking kids who didn’t seem happy about Mumtaz’s early-morning wake-up announcement.

  “I’m going to the yogurt bar,” Higgy announced, and Newton nodded. Something about being made of protoplasm made Higgy crave things that were creamy and gooey.

  Newton and Higgy got into the food line. A server wearing a thick white glove placed a mug filled with a steaming blue concoction onto Newton’s tray.

  “What’s this?” Newton asked.

  “This morning’s special from the Bio-Voltage Lab,” the server replied. “Guaranteed to wake you up.”

  “Sounds perfect!” Newton said, and he made his way through the crowds of mad-scientist students until he found Shelly and Theremin. Shelly had a mug of the steaming blue stuff in front of her, and Theremin didn’t have anything, because robots don’t eat.

  “Hey, guys!” Newton said, sliding into his seat. “As soon as Higgy gets here with his yogurt, I’ve got really exciting news to tell you.”

  “Great!” Shelly replied. “But first you need to know that—”

  “Ow!” Newton cried. He’d picked up his mug, and a quick jolt of electricity had zapped him.

  “I tried to warn you,” Shelly said. “The cafeteria staff thought shocking us awake this morning was a good idea. The concoction inside is pretty good, though. Just use this.”

  She handed him a straw. “It’s made of fruit leather,” she said. “You can eat it when you’re done.”

  “Thanks,” Newton said. “The shock wasn’t so bad. At least I’m awake now.”

  “How could you be tired? My circuits are still charged up from last night,” Theremin chimed in. “It felt so great to be onstage! And seeing my dad there, that was awesome.”

  Newton nodded. Theremin’s father, Professor Rozika, was a robotics professor who had been pretty hard on Theremin ever since he’d cr
eated him. But things were getting better between them.

  Higgy slid up to the table and plopped down a tray piled with bowls of yogurt.

  “Hungry?” Shelley asked.

  “I expended a great deal of energy onstage last night,” Higgy replied. “Not to mention at the party.”

  “Yeah, you never stopped dancing,” Newton agreed.

  A group of kids who Newton didn’t know stopped by the table and stood next to Shelly.

  “Shelly, you were amazing last night,” said a girl with purple hair.

  “Yeah, you made me believe you were Dr. Frankenstein!” said a boy wearing pants and a shirt made of aluminum foil.

  “Thanks,” Shelly replied. “The whole cast was great, right?”

  “I played the cook,” Theremin piped up.

  “Um, sure,” said the purple-haired girl. “It’s just, you know, Shelly was electrifying!”

  “You’re a superstar now, Shelly,” Higgy said. Then he burped, and the group of kids walked away.

  Shelly blushed. “We were all good,” she said. “Theremin, you were hilarious, and Newton, you were a great head villager, and Higgy, you brought dignity and humanity to Frankenstein’s monster.”

  “I did indeed,” Higgy agreed.

  “Anyway. Newton, you had some news?” Shelly asked.

  “Oh, right,” Newton said. “After the play Flubitus told me I have a relative at this school!”

  Shelly gasped. “No way!”

  “Fantastic, roomie!” Higgy said.

  “Is it me?” Theremin asked. “Maybe we’re brothers!”

  “I don’t think so,” Newton said. “But I’m not sure. Right after he told me, Flubitus clammed up. He said he couldn’t say who. It’s so frustrating!”

  “If Flubitus won’t tell you, we’ll find out on our own,” Shelly promised. “We can come up with a plan, right after—”

  “Attention, students!”

  The voice of Headmistress Mumtaz blared through the cafeteria. A giant hologram of her head appeared in the space and began to spin around. With her sharp nose, orange-and-purple-streaked hair, and thin face, she had always reminded Newton of one of the birds on the island.

  “First, I’d like to thank the cast and crew of Frankenstein: The Musical for their wonderful performance last night,” she began, and everyone applauded. “And now it’s time for our next event to show off the talents of our student body: the annual Brilliant Brains Trivia Competition!”

  A cheer went up among the students, and before Newton could ask his friends What’s that? the headmistress launched into an explanation.

  “Our faculty has spent the last year coming up with mind-bending trivia questions in a variety of categories, including the four major areas of mad-scientist study.The four areas of study are Unconventional Chemistry, Heretical Electricity, Irregular Biology, and Extra-Theoretical Physics,” she explained. “Contestants will be eliminated one by one until the most Brilliant Brain is crowned!”

  An even bigger cheer went up.

  “This year’s winner will receive a full set of the Encyclopedia of Mad Scientists—all seven hundred and fifty-three gilded volumes, the perfect accent to any mad scientist’s lair,” Mumtaz went on. “As well as the micro-digital form for convenience.”

  “That is a spectacular prize!” Higgy said, nudging Newton.

  “And as an extraspecial treat, there will also be a giant holographic statue of the winner projected in a special place of honor in the school’s Center Court for one week to commemorate the victory,” she said. “So start studying, students. The Brilliant Brains Trivia Competition is three weeks from today. May the best brain win!”

  The giant hologram of her face flickered and then disappeared. Everyone in the cafeteria started talking at once.

  Newton heard Mimi Crowninshield’s voice above the others. “Nobody else should even bother entering, because I am going to win!” she bragged.

  Shelly rolled her eyes. “Shouldn’t she be disqualified from all school competitions after she tried to sabotage the musical?”

  “Her family sponsors the trivia competition,” Higgy reminded her. “No Mimi, no contest.”

  “Now that Father has removed any programming that punishes me for being smart, I might just enter,” Theremin said. “I bet I’ll ace it!”

  At that moment a brain in a jar of liquid rolled up on a small wheeled table, accompanied by a tall, skinny boy with greasy black hair. The brain was Odifin Pinkwad, and the boy was his assistant, Rotwang Conkell.

  Odifin’s voice came through a speaker attached to the front of his jar. “Ah, Newton, I suppose you’re going to cheat your way through the competition, aren’t you?” he accused.

  “What do you mean?” Newton asked.

  “I’ve had my visual processors on you,” Odifin said. “Most of the time you behave like a brainless dolt. But when it’s time to take a test, you’re suddenly a genius! I know you’ve found some sophisticated cheating technique that the professors can’t detect. Well, I’m warning you. Don’t try cheating your way through this competition. Because I am going to win, fair and square!”

  “Yeah, he’s the fairest and squarest,” Rotwang said.

  “I don’t cheat,” Newton replied, but it wasn’t exactly true. One of the weird things he had discovered about himself since waking up at Franken-Sci High was that when he heard the words “noodle noggin,” he became a genius for a little while. But he tried to only activate that ability when he really needed to.

  “Hmph!” Odifin snorted. “Remember, I am the all-seeing Odifin Pinkwad!”

  “Too bad your eyes are stuck in a jar!” Theremin said. “Now get out of here and leave my friend alone.”

  “Come, Rotwang. Let’s leave these losers to themselves,” Odifin said, and he rolled away, with Rotwang loping behind him.

  “What a jerk,” Theremin said.

  “Aw, I don’t know,” Newton said. “I mean, he was kind of right about my noodle noggin thing. Besides, it can’t be easy being a brain in a jar.”

  “You’re so sweet, Newton,” Shelly said. “But Odifin makes it hard on himself. I tried being nice to him when he first came to this school, and he’s only ever been mean.”

  “Yeah, don’t feel sorry for that guy,” Theremin said.

  Newton watched Odifin roll away. He and Rotwang sat a table by themselves, like they always did. Odifin usually floated in his jar while Rotwang stuffed his face with more plates of food than anyone else in the cafeteria—even Higgy and Hector Bovina, who was rumored to have once traveled to the eighteenth dimension and come back with an extra stomach.

  Newton looked around at his friends, and looked back at Odifin.

  I think I do feel sorry for him, Newton thought. I may not know who I am, or have any memories. But all of my new memories are pretty good ones! What good memories does poor Odifin have?

  CHAPTER 2 Twenty Brains Are Better Than One

  “What does that walking garbage can know, anyway?” Odifin said to Rotwang as he eyed Theremin across the cafeteria. “My eyes may be here in this jar, but they have quite a range of motion on their eyestalks. More than a normal human. See?” Odifin demonstrated by wiggling his eyeballs back and forth on their stalks.

  “Nice trick, Odifin,” Rotwang agreed, stuffing a sausage into his mouth.

  “And I will keep watch on Newton,” Odifin continued. “Nothing about him makes sense. The official story is that he was discovered in the Brain Bank with amnesia. Most of the time he acts like he doesn’t know a thing. And then sometimes he’s a genius! It doesn’t smell right.”

  “Yeah, smell,” Rotwang said as he sniffed his stack of pancakes. Then he stabbed them with his fork.

  Odifin’s visual processors gazed at Newton, who was laughing at something Shelly was saying. He felt a pang of—jealousy, maybe?

  No, not that! Odifin thought. It’s just baffling! Nothing about him makes sense!

  What confused Odifin most is how quickly Newton
had made friends after coming to the school. For Odifin, the transition hadn’t been so easy. He’d been homeschooled by his mom, a brilliant mad scientist in her own right, for years. She’d taught him silly songs to remember complicated things: Don’t be a fool! You need more than one atom to make a molecule.… And she’d always told him he was the smartest boy in the whole world, and how much she loved him, and how proud she was of him.

  Odifin had been happy then. His mom had been his whole world. Sure, he knew that they looked different from each other—she had a body made of flesh and bones and hair and other things that he didn’t have—but they loved each other.

  Then, one day, his mom had told him it was time for him to go out into the world. She was sending him to Franken-Sci High. Odifin had begged and pleaded to stay home, but his mom had insisted.

  “You need to meet people and make friends, Odifin,” she had said. “I can’t keep you all to myself. And there are some things I just can’t teach you.”

  So Odifin had been sent through a portal to Franken-Sci High, but meeting people and making friends hadn’t been easy. It wasn’t even that kids had stared at him or made fun of him. Most of them hadn’t even realized he was a kid, just like them. At first many of them thought he was a piece of equipment, or an experiment.

  It didn’t help that his mom had arranged for Rotwang to go to the school too. While other students at Franken-Sci High were from mad-scientist families, Rotwang was from a long line of assistants. Assistants usually went to their own school, the Igor Institute, but Rotwang had been sent to help Odifin do the things that Odifin couldn’t do by himself—such as charge the battery on his recently motorized table, or reboot his sense processor when it messed up. Rotwang used to have to push Odifin’s rolling table around campus too, until recently, when Odifin had had it altered so he could move the table’s wheels just by thinking about it. That had given him some freedom, at least. But not much.

  Rotwang was useful, but he didn’t talk much, and he and Odifin had nothing in common. And Rotwang seemed to repel the other mad scientists; most of them thought it was beneath them to be seen with an assistant.